Lynne d Johnson

 

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08.24.03 07:26 PM

and so it is...

I am getting to a point whereas I feel somewhat mute. Overall, this week was definitely brighter. When I awakened Monday morning, a friend who has been trying to have a baby for some time called to say her child was born at01:13:00 AM. I have been calling this child my god child for the past several months b/c of the nature of my relationship with the mother. And also, I hoped it would provide some balm to her womb, since her first child died not too long after being born. This baby, though too born a bit early, was meant to be here. I went to see this child almost everyday this week, and I reveled in the pride of the new mom and dad as they held their child. Life is about living yo, for real.

So this has brought me to this place of being a mute. Am I living? Are we living? I mean really living. Or are we just going along with the preprogrammed instructions as handed down by the machine? Have we found our purpose? Are we living our fullest? Are we being love? Are we doing love? Are we giving love?

Every few years, and sometimes every few months, I am here at this place again. Staring at myself in the mirror. Uncovering the I 'n I. Seeking self-mastery --- feeding the body, mind, soul, spirit...with love. Loving myself. Learning to listen more than speak. Thinking before I speak. Taking in the wonders of the world, but knowing that reality is only based upon perception. For most of the time we are all walking in darkness with blinders on, afraid to see the light. Afraid to become and unbecome. Often we are just doing what we do, and not being. I'm trying to be. It's a conscious unconscious. It's what I consciously seek. It's what the will is after, but the intent sometimes gets in the way. The "I" sometimes gets in the way. And so I breathe. 'Cuz breathing is really the only thing that's natural. Breathing and shedding skin...these things are natural. Right now I'm breathing and writing, and feeling the words are saying too much. Because words can be interpreted in many ways, depending upon who is reading them or who is hearing them. And the meaning may get lost in the shuffle of decoding. So I sit in silence, I breathe, up from the diaphragm, hold the breath, and blow it out, fully, forcefully. And then, and only then, I feel alive. Not becuase I have a job and go to work everyday and make money and participate in being a nut or bolt in the machine. No, I am alive b/c I am.

Self-mastery is always a hard thing for human beings, because it's hard to let the ego go. It's hard to stop being opinionated. For somehow we think without opinions we are not conscious. But the conscious is the unconscious, and the unwakened mind is full of energy. In silence I feel it most as it charges through me. It's the constant chatter that displays the fears, but the silence that puts the "I" one-on-one with the "self." Living ain't easy, but if we choose to live...then...it...is...life.

If you're not with me on this, it's cool. I don't need you to be. I don't need understanding at this moment. I don't need acceptance. I just need to be. So why do I share? I share b/c the spirit drives me to. And so it is.

BTW, have you ever read The Alchemist? You should think about reading it.

Addendum: Some blogs I've recently taken a liking to:
Prometheus 6
black gay blogger
stinkzone
The S-Train Canvass

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