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08.24.03 07:26 PM
and so it is...
I am getting to a point whereas I feel somewhat mute. Overall, this week was definitely brighter. When I awakened Monday morning, a friend who has been trying to have a baby for some time called to say her child was born at01:13:00 AM. I have been calling this child my god child for the past several months b/c of the nature of my relationship with the mother. And also, I hoped it would provide some balm to her womb, since her first child died not too long after being born. This baby, though too born a bit early, was meant to be here. I went to see this child almost everyday this week, and I reveled in the pride of the new mom and dad as they held their child. Life is about living yo, for real.
So this has brought me to this place of being a mute. Am I living? Are we living? I mean really living. Or are we just going along with the preprogrammed instructions as handed down by the machine? Have we found our purpose? Are we living our fullest? Are we being love? Are we doing love? Are we giving love?
Every few years, and sometimes every few months, I am here at this place again. Staring at myself in the mirror. Uncovering the I 'n I. Seeking self-mastery --- feeding the body, mind, soul, spirit...with love. Loving myself. Learning to listen more than speak. Thinking before I speak. Taking in the wonders of the world, but knowing that reality is only based upon perception. For most of the time we are all walking in darkness with blinders on, afraid to see the light. Afraid to become and unbecome. Often we are just doing what we do, and not being. I'm trying to be. It's a conscious unconscious. It's what I consciously seek. It's what the will is after, but the intent sometimes gets in the way. The "I" sometimes gets in the way. And so I breathe. 'Cuz breathing is really the only thing that's natural. Breathing and shedding skin...these things are natural. Right now I'm breathing and writing, and feeling the words are saying too much. Because words can be interpreted in many ways, depending upon who is reading them or who is hearing them. And the meaning may get lost in the shuffle of decoding. So I sit in silence, I breathe, up from the diaphragm, hold the breath, and blow it out, fully, forcefully. And then, and only then, I feel alive. Not becuase I have a job and go to work everyday and make money and participate in being a nut or bolt in the machine. No, I am alive b/c I am.
Self-mastery is always a hard thing for human beings, because it's hard to let the ego go. It's hard to stop being opinionated. For somehow we think without opinions we are not conscious. But the conscious is the unconscious, and the unwakened mind is full of energy. In silence I feel it most as it charges through me. It's the constant chatter that displays the fears, but the silence that puts the "I" one-on-one with the "self." Living ain't easy, but if we choose to live...then...it...is...life.
If you're not with me on this, it's cool. I don't need you to be. I don't need understanding at this moment. I don't need acceptance. I just need to be. So why do I share? I share b/c the spirit drives me to. And so it is.
BTW, have you ever read The Alchemist? You should think about reading it.
Addendum: Some blogs I've recently taken a liking to:
Prometheus 6
black gay blogger
stinkzone
The S-Train Canvass
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Comments
Lynne, I know you said you don't need acceptance or understanding. But I do. Understand. I am in a similar place myself. You articulated it much better than I could. The spirit drives you to share. I debated whether to even write my most recent post, but I felt driven to. Even though to the casual onlooker, it says nothing at all. *lol* But..I think I was trying to say something akin to what you put forth right here. Thank you for this.
posted by Anitra | August 25, 2003 11:56 AM #
Thanks for the link.
Thsi particular post of your deserves a long, ongoing conversation. It's a conversation I live rather than write...perhaps that will change when my current project settles down. For now, I'll just say I understand the drive to share.
posted by Prometheus 6 | August 25, 2003 2:09 PM #
Thanks for sharing baby. I totally understand and have started to write something similar so many times. Right after the birth of my nephew Zha. Just this weekend during a commitment ceremony that got me to thinking about my upcoming third anniversary with my baby and just life in general. Haven't felt this good since... never.
posted by ronn | August 25, 2003 2:18 PM #
Thank you so much for the link! I think I'm at that same self-mastery place you're at now, especially since the comps here at work have been down for four days and I have nothing to do but think, think, think.
posted by karsh | August 27, 2003 2:58 AM #
I just had to spit heat on this.... I feel you completely.... letting go is hard and discovering WHO you are is a life long journey. We're always on a journey of self discovery and everynow and then we need to stop, relect and BREATHE!!! Do you and be easy.....
Hotep!
posted by Yinka | August 27, 2003 5:51 AM #
P.S. Happy Belated Birthday!!! :)
posted by Yinka | August 27, 2003 5:55 AM #
For some reason this entry reminds of these two things:
the quote: " my mind is attached to nothing yet, open to everything."
& the fact that taking inventory is very necessary.
posted by kevinrscott | August 27, 2003 10:30 PM #
Humans are social creatures. To share, is to be human. Most of the time we aren't really living since we don't be human. That deep breath you took, that skin you shed, and the words you just shared is your humanity, gurl. And you living life. Lynne, I was a gang member in my teens. Ready to die! Did my fair share of violence (gratefully I never killed). And at my darkest and lowest, I found a way to live and brought myself up. We have to keep finding a way.
posted by S-Train | August 30, 2003 5:04 AM #
It's funny how the universe works..I was sitting here asking myself a similar question.. "Am I truly living my life" and like you I tend to feel this every so often, I give thanks for you sharing and providing insight..
posted by Mali | September 2, 2003 7:56 PM #
just checking in...how have u been?
posted by kevinrscott | September 4, 2003 2:39 PM #
Hey folks just back from a week long in ATL visiting my baby love and just maxing and relaxing. I'll be back to posting again soon.
I'm a lil bit perplexed by the different reactions I got to this post. One person thought perhaps I didn't have a boyfriend and was lonely, and another thought I was sad or sounded depressed, and another thought...
Oh well forget it. Here's the point of the post. Sometimes I find myself feeling like a zombie as if I'm just going through motions with life leading me...instead of being in touch with my spiritual faculties and getting out of life what's proper for me. That's all this post was about. The post was about my noticing that often times we as humans, have too many criticisms and opinions of others and things and I wanted to step back from that. I also wanted to pull away from my external self and get in touch with my internal self. The materialist in me often seeks spirituality.
Put it this way, if you know anything about Buddhism, Sufism, Metu Neter, et. al. then you know what I'm going through.
See I knew there was a reason I was afraid to share. Folks I am not about to slit my wrists. I just want the spiritual me to project a lil more...and spiritual does not mean religious so don't get it twisted. It's about balancing mind and body .... will and intent.
Also just recently swithced webhosts and bought some new domains ... so it might take a little more than a week for me to post again. But we'll see.
posted by lynne | September 4, 2003 8:26 PM #