Lynne d Johnson



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03.03.03 11:59 PM

winter sucks

I have lived in much colder climates, but never have I felt as terrible as I do this winter. My appetite for food is highly irregular, and I am gaining weight. I crave so many things that I normally do not eat. All these sweet and fatty things. My sexual appetite is waning. And that is a shock to the system. I am not lacking it, but just not wanting it as much. Go figure! I hate waking up in the morning. And often I am tired by midday. All I want to do is sleep. I rag on all the people closest to me. All the time. My procrastination syndrome has turned up a notch, so that all the side projects that I really love to be involved in (and they are damn good opportunities too) are passing me by. I kept thinking something was physically wrong with me. Yeak ok, the Dr. said low iron. But I have had that problem most of my life. It simply comes and goes. I feel like I am just dragging around, shiftless, and letting life pass me by. I don't want to do shit half the time, but curl up with a good book or some digital cable. And I hate TV. I haven't been to any events, although I get asked to go out all the time. It is starting to make me sick. So perhaps, I thought, I could be depressed. Or, just a little bit touched. In the head that is. But the truth is, there is really a name for what is going on with me. I could possibly have SAD. The Winter Doldrums are real folks. It's like the colder the day, the worse I feel.

Since I was 16, I have not felt my best from November until some time after the holidays---around January or February.My father died that year, a little before Thanksgiving and that has always had an affect on how I feel about the holidays overall. But I had gotten better over the years. Less the scrooge that I once was. Also, I always thought that since I was born in the summer, of course summer time was when I felt most right. But the way I feel this year, I just don't know. I need some sunshine. Some sunlight. Some peace of mind to peak my creative juices and flow. Hopefully, this trip to Miami this coming weekend will boost me up proper. If not I better seek some testing to see if I need light therapy.

So if you don't see me around here that often, just blame it on the lack of sunlight. The chilling and ripping winds. The weather changes that play with my emotions--up in the high 40s one day and down to the low 20s the next. The constant snow, rain, and clouds. All those damn clothes I have to wear. The bulky coat. The sweaters, the hats, the gloves. I care so little about my appearance that I bought some funky light blue snake-like, cowboy-like, high-heeled boots to perk me up last week. I was perked up alright, but it only lasted for a day. OK, back to the matter at hand. If it seems like I am not here often, or when I am I'm rambling, just note, it should all be over by April. You see, I also thought I was suffering from information glut, but it's more likely that I am less able to concentrate than I usually am. That I can handle all the information I have to deal with on the daily, but just not right now. Yep, my memory sucks. I have forgotten friends birthdays---which I never do. Forget to return people's phone calls. Oh and it gets much worse, but that is probably more than I need to share here.

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