Lynne d Johnson

 

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01.27.04 09:05 PM

why would you want the same thing twice or even "simply" the same old thang for that matter?

it's funny i had a really pervasive thought about this the other day that escapes me now, but perhaps if i begin at the beginning it'll present itself.

so, as you know, i'm in Cannes for this int'l music festival. some of you who have been around long enough, know that i was here before, two years ago, for the film festival.

this time, i had the carte blanche that i didn't have before and yet, something was amiss. i got better seats at the NRJ Awards than i did at my company's own awards show. i've been schoomzing (well, as much as i can stand to), partying, meeting new people, connecting with those i've known from years gone past. but something is still amiss.

so i remember everything i did the last time i was here. the things i did on my own and the things i did with the crew - and i decide i'm going to do all those things again, because the feeling i'm looking for just might creep up on me if i just do the right thing. ok, so that's when my mind told me that it sounded like i was a drug addict or at least had some sort of addictive personality.

and i go to this restaurant pictured above, because when i was here with the crew we would go and eat lots of food and laugh and talk and stay for a long time. or go there really late after partying, b/c it seemed to be the only spot that stayed open for 24 hours. but i was alone this time. so though i ate lots of food, there was no one to share it with, no one to laugh with or talk to. and though i could have invited someone else to go with me, it's not like they would have been like my crew from school who came to Cannes with me before.

that right there is when i realized there is a thin line between courting the familiar and being stuck. think about it. like an alcoholic or a drug addict, so often, with relationships, with jobs, with things we do everyday, we wonder why it doesn't feel like it felt before or why we can't make it like it was, or get that first "high" back. but if you think about it, do you really want to go back? don't you want to move on? don't you want to move ahead? don't you want to make new experiences?

(i could have invited someone i just met here this time, and perhaps our time together would have been just as good. not necessarily better, but different.)

and no not ones that necessarily replace the old ones, but ones that enhance the old ones. why would you want sex to be like the first time? and the reason we can't have it like it was the first time we did it with x lover is b/c things about us are different. but that doesn't mean we can't still do it hanging from the chandelier, it simply means we gotta' put our back into it. and what that means is work.

here's an analogy. an entrepreneur launches a business, the economic climate changes, the barriers to entry and sustaining shift, technology changes the way this particular business works. does the entreprenuer, the wise one anyway, sit there and lament the old days? nah, uh uh. the wise one will change the game plan, reevaluate the biz model - and i suppose that's how we have to look at our lives everyday.

i don't want the same thing. i want something better. and better doesn't always have to mean replacement or new - i'm not suggesting you cut off your significant other for someone else - but what i'm saying is we gotta' take what's right there and good to us and for us, and make it better. we have to make ourselves new. our relationships. our careers. our mental, physical, and spiritual lives.

i'm not a crack addict, so i'll stop looking for what it felt like when i got that first hit, and i'll find something in my life that makes me feel just as good. basically, if that one was to ghetto for you, i'm not so painfully addicted to the past or co-dependent on the past that much that i can't take advantage of what's in front of me right now. shit every house started from some mud. oh damn, bad analogy, i forgot that nowadays we got those godawful terrible vinyl siding homes. but anyway...

fact of the matter is shit changes, people change. we change. what we've gotta' do is ride that wave of change. i'm going to opt to do it a little recklessly, becauase the fact that i've discovered i stay too close to the familiar makes me realize i'm playing life just a little too safe - and that can cause lack of adventure. man i don't want to be bored or stuck. like most of you, i want to be passionate about my life and what i do, but it's up to me. not my partner, not my job, not my gym. but what i put into each thing. that i invest in the now wholeheartedly.

the time we spend remembering when or missing the old days, or wishing it was like before, or back-in-the-day, we could put that energy into making today something stellar.

man, i'm coming back home with a whole new outlook. i'm going to read something different than i've ever read before, write about a topic i've never tackled, make love in a way i never have, listen to a different kind of music. i'm going to wake up and i'm going to live. get out of your past, and say hello to today. and sure, as we venture into today we may find some situations still displeasing and unpleasruable, but if we can honestly say we gave it our all, w/out expecting it to be what once was (or blaming what isn't on others), then we can feel free to let that chapter in our lives close. b/c either way i'm doing this, i'm moving ahead and the past will be just that - a good memory.

posted by lynne | |

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