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07.11.04 11:59 PM
i wear the mask
at times my life feels as though i exist for others. this is not intentional mind you. and i'm sure many of us would say the very same thing. there is always this knowing of who you are and what you'd like to do, and yet you live according to who you think you are and what you think you want to do. there is a difference between knowing and thinking you know.
in thinking, there are always expectations of others. in thinking, there is always others dependency. in thinking there is always this wanting to be right, to not seem selfish, and to conform. yeah, even those who give the middle finger to most situations --- the toughest of us --- at times conform. we want to fit in. we want to be liked. we don't want to let anybody down. and so instead, we wear a mask.
think about it. the work you do career wise, is probably not what you really want to do. you wear a mask because of this. you don't know what others will think of what you really want to do. or perhaps you may not be all that comfortable with what you really want to do. or there's just no money in what you really want to do. and for those of us, doing what we really want to do, or even something that others find to be the hottest shit, we end up feeling that little bit of green when we think about the what ifs or how it would be if we lived on the other side of the fence.
ok, i'm not being completely honest here. a lot of times, i come into this space trying to work out some shit going on inside my head without ever really saying what's going on inside my head. then i spout these zenisms, that i'm sure no one ever really even cares about. i know this b/c for this post i will receive no comments, but i know if i post something scandalous about say jay-z and beyonce, the comments will flood. (that's an entirely different topic though, one i'll deal with at another time.)
what's going on with me, at times is so unbearable. being a member of a family really can take a lot out of a person - even a person who doesn't give a shit about most things in life. or better yet, of people's opinions. yet being a family member, even for those of us estranged, find ourselves ending up becoming something or someone that was crafted by what our relationships are with our family. like it or not. it's true.
i'm still not being entirely honest in this space. and it's hard to be at times. this space, though my own personal space, though a room of my own, is also a very public space, and i do not see the point of spilling all of my personal drama here.
i just really need to write right now. to get it out. to unfasten the ties that bind me. it's not even about you, dear visitor, who comes here to listen to my ramblings. you came here expecting my latest tidbit, my piece of popular culture news or views. you may have even come here, just to experience a slice of my life. but oh no, nuh uh, not today. for over the next week, i am becoming someone else. not a person of my design, but a person of my family's design. just b/c i don't want to let anyone down, and in that if i were to say no it would do just that --- let some folks down. that i have a life of my own, and if i were to express that, would seem so selfish to them, and perhaps even to me. so for the next few days, i bear wearing the mask, to make others' lives easier and more sane.
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Comments
I take offense at being told I don't comment on your "zenisms" - lol. You and I often cross mental paths - especially when you are in this "space". I believe we both started writing online for similar reasons although the popularity of "blogging" and indeed, our own popularity has shited that focus somewhat.
I empathize on the familial obligation tip. I don't have that particular cross to bear however, I am wearing a particular mask that is growing more uncomfortable. My weakness is that I like "keeping the peace".
posted by j. brotherlove | July 12, 2004 8:16 AM #
I wrestle with the disclosure issue at least once a month on my blog. I know that there are things I should talk about -- that I *needd* to talk about, but for whatever reason, I chose not to. It feels a bit dishonest, doesn't it, to exercise discretion in what is fundamentally an indiscreet medium?
Regarding familial obligations - I definitely feel you on that tip. My immediate family doesn't know about my blog, well, at least they've never left comments there, but their discomfort and inability to talk about/address the things that really matter to me keeps my honesty/candor in check. And it's incredibly frustrating to know that even though I'm a grown a-- woman, they still have that power.
Whatever issues or 'zenisms' you feel like sharing, I hope you can give them voice. I wish you the best.
posted by Cecily | July 12, 2004 10:43 AM #
You know I am loovin this post becase I was just gettin on you about how u never really write on here anymore...
I can feel you in regards to living for others... Sometimes we have to do things to make others happy, but those things should also align with our own well being... But I am sure you are wise enough to know your limits, and be true to yourself.
posted by Rocka | July 12, 2004 12:33 PM #
you're absolutely right... everyone, in some way, wears a mask. whether it be to cover, protect, or just to "belong." unfortunately, in today's world, there's no much to belong to... overall, i think conforming is inevitable. a force that, at times, we have no choice but to buckle-down to. funnily, although considered to be a bad thing, at times, in the end it's not. in writin' and bein' honest, there's a level of insecurity. the why's & what's - but in that, builds strength, respect, & character. it reveals the more... "not who i thought you were" you, to be even more beautiful & persevering. good luck.
posted by tionne | July 12, 2004 12:38 PM #
I come here for it all - the pop culture tidbits and the whole nine. I particularly like the zenisms though, the introspective posts. :)
For instance, in this post, the talk about family - "yet being a family member, even for those of us estranged, find ourselves ending up becoming something or someone that was crafted by what our relationships are with our family." - resounded with me.
I wrote about this on my site, too - although less specifically - but I am the most mask-wearing mofo. *lol* It gets tiring. It's getting tiring being an entirely different person with one set of people than I am with another.
The disclosure on the blog thing...well, I struggle with that everytime I write a post. I don't think I will ever be comfortable with sharing too much in such a public space.
posted by Anitra | July 13, 2004 8:00 AM #