Lynne d Johnson



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07.11.04 11:59 PM

i wear the mask

at times my life feels as though i exist for others. this is not intentional mind you. and i'm sure many of us would say the very same thing. there is always this knowing of who you are and what you'd like to do, and yet you live according to who you think you are and what you think you want to do. there is a difference between knowing and thinking you know.

in thinking, there are always expectations of others. in thinking, there is always others dependency. in thinking there is always this wanting to be right, to not seem selfish, and to conform. yeah, even those who give the middle finger to most situations --- the toughest of us --- at times conform. we want to fit in. we want to be liked. we don't want to let anybody down. and so instead, we wear a mask.

think about it. the work you do career wise, is probably not what you really want to do. you wear a mask because of this. you don't know what others will think of what you really want to do. or perhaps you may not be all that comfortable with what you really want to do. or there's just no money in what you really want to do. and for those of us, doing what we really want to do, or even something that others find to be the hottest shit, we end up feeling that little bit of green when we think about the what ifs or how it would be if we lived on the other side of the fence.

ok, i'm not being completely honest here. a lot of times, i come into this space trying to work out some shit going on inside my head without ever really saying what's going on inside my head. then i spout these zenisms, that i'm sure no one ever really even cares about. i know this b/c for this post i will receive no comments, but i know if i post something scandalous about say jay-z and beyonce, the comments will flood. (that's an entirely different topic though, one i'll deal with at another time.)

what's going on with me, at times is so unbearable. being a member of a family really can take a lot out of a person - even a person who doesn't give a shit about most things in life. or better yet, of people's opinions. yet being a family member, even for those of us estranged, find ourselves ending up becoming something or someone that was crafted by what our relationships are with our family. like it or not. it's true.

i'm still not being entirely honest in this space. and it's hard to be at times. this space, though my own personal space, though a room of my own, is also a very public space, and i do not see the point of spilling all of my personal drama here.

i just really need to write right now. to get it out. to unfasten the ties that bind me. it's not even about you, dear visitor, who comes here to listen to my ramblings. you came here expecting my latest tidbit, my piece of popular culture news or views. you may have even come here, just to experience a slice of my life. but oh no, nuh uh, not today. for over the next week, i am becoming someone else. not a person of my design, but a person of my family's design. just b/c i don't want to let anyone down, and in that if i were to say no it would do just that --- let some folks down. that i have a life of my own, and if i were to express that, would seem so selfish to them, and perhaps even to me. so for the next few days, i bear wearing the mask, to make others' lives easier and more sane.

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