Lynne d Johnson

 

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06.19.02 08:03 PM

highs and lows

Once, I went to see Black Eyed Peas, Common, and Macy Gray in concert and there was something that Macy said that resonated with me in such a way that it made me laugh, deeply, inside. She was discussing how everyone is always talking about her being high. She then said, "Who wants to be low?" You may not be laughing now, but if you ever heard the way Macy talks, you would know it sounded comical. Not only because of how she said it, but for what it's worth, what she said is very true. Who wants to be low? I know I don't. But the question is, what is your source of heightened awareness? Not just a giddy high, but a real, true high off of life type of high. And, is there even such a thing?

I contemplate this now, because in the past few weeks I've been able to ascend to my highest high and then slowly tumble to my lowest of lows. My mood varies from hot to cold in a matter of milliseconds, and for the most part I seem to be unaware of the source of these up-and-down mood swings. There are days that I wake up smiling, and it carries throughout the day. I must radiate, for often on these days I receive a lot more attention when I am walking down the street. There I am bubbling with a constant unmoved and unchanging smile. There is a bounce in my stride. My cell phone rings, and the person on the other end says, " Wow, you sound really jovial today. What's up?" My response, "Nothing, life has just been good." Then, a few hours later, the cell phone rings again. The caller asks, "Why do you sound like that? What's wrong with you?" My response, "Nah, nothing, I'm just tired."

I don't want to be low, ever. But in being human I realize this is an absurd way to think. With all that is going on in the world, and in my personal life, how could I walk around with a smile permanently etched on my face? It is not possible. Or is it? Is there some road to Nirvana that I just haven't happened upon yet? Is there some way not to get bogged down in the complexities of the goings on in my life? Is there some way to get enough sleep, excercise, sex, and love that I am always fulfilled and at calm? Is the answer meditation? Is it yoga? Is there even an answer? Perhaps it is totally impossible and unhealthy to be happy all the time.

There are days when I am totally lost within my own thoughts, neither sad nor happy, just in a state of contemplation. Those days I am always accosted by some dude with, "Why don't you put a smile on that pretty face?" Or, "You're too pretty to have that long face." On my good days, I will smile or say, "Hey, I'm just tired." And on my bad, they'll get the middle finger. What I'm wondering is which is the mentally healthy route. Is it to be so in touch with your feelings that you just let them take you over and control your being? Or is to rechannel your energies, always, into some positive form of light?

I don't expect you to have an answer for me, but maybe you can think about the answer for yourself. Does the theory of cause and effect have such a profound effect on every atom and molecular structure of energy so that for every action there is truly a reaction? Or, do humans have a way of controlling these forces of nature, so that we are in a state of high, 24-7, 365? Maybe I'm just babbling here, but I'd be curious to know what you think.

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